2 more days...

Well I've tried to do todays post with photos from oldest to youngest, so you will see a little Benjamin Button action going on today...

Today's post was hard. I was looking at all the photos from when Rupert was such a little guy and I just had a feeling of sadness, regret and guilt. The photos today were taken mostly when I was in the depth of my post partum depression. It's hard because I don't look back on some of the photos with fond memories even though I should. I was emotionless at that time and I feel so much guilt that I wasn't everything Rupert needed me to be. And I feel sad that I missed out on precious moments that I will never get back. I know that I shouldn't feel this way and that Rupert is just fine. I know this in my head, but it's hard to connect that to my heart.

Anyways, I am so glad to be out of that dark cloud! I love Rupert so very very much and am so happy to spend each day with him! People always ask me (and sometimes tell me :D ) that I need a break from him... I don't really feel like I do! I feel like I'm making up for the lost time from when he was younger. I am enjoying the feeling of freedom I have now to just play and laugh with him... because those are things I didn't do very much when he was just a little guy. I don't want to miss another moment with him, as it feels like I have already missed so many. I can't believe I ever doubted my love for my precious little boy, because now it is overflowing! Here is the first photo of me and him after the dark veil had lifted. I will treasure it always!

{Rupert when he first learned to sit up all by himself! Who is that crazy guy in the mirror?}

{Our very jolly jumper! He spent so much time in here every day. He was a wild thing... sadly he grew out of it too fast because he was such a big guy!}

{Family photo taken by my other wonderful sister in law... man we have a talented family!}

{One of the first times Rupert rolled over! He was such a little monkey. He rolled over and over and over again for one day when he was 3 months old and then decided to stop for like a month! Silly boy! I think he has a bit of a stubborn streak... Colin says he gets this from me... not sure what he's talking about!}

{Sucking your thumb is serious business! Although he doesn't actually suck it very often. He is much more of a soother boy. I stuck his soother in his mouth the day he was born, he gagged a bit the first time, but eventually got the hang of it.}

{John Deere. Our wonderful friends from Calgary bought Rupert these cute little John Deere boots! They are so sweet! I love them. We were supposed to go see them next month, but sadly we couldn't make it work, however we are postponing until the summer, which will give us much more time together!!!!}

Rupert was the king of spit up! He would often spit up whole bottles.... crazy monkey! So we would always have to hold him for a good 20 minutes after each bottle to let his stomach settle, and even then he would usually still spit something up. So I did a lot of laundry when he was a little guy! He went through many outfits, as did we! Lucky he had so many to choose from!

{So little a boy! Now he's in his big seat and front facing! I can't believe it!}

I love this photo... even though I can see a bit of sadness still, it gives me hope that he felt the love I had for him even if I couldn't.

Our precious little family. A friend of ours took some photos of us down at White Rock. I love the beach and it was a wonderful evening spent together.

Daddy's boy. Rupert is such a daddy's boy. He is absolutely thrilled each time Colin enters the room, it is like he hasn't seen him in years! I am so excited for their relationship to grow and change. Colin is an amazingly fantastic father! He plays with Rupert often and is so supportive to me in helping out with all the work that is involved in "child rearing" haha! I love that Rupert loves his daddy so much and am completely blessed to see that love returned in Colin for his "little friend".

{Rupert's burp face}

{Oh how I miss the days when he would sleep anywhere!}

{First bath... I was so scared! He was so little and fragile and I didn't want to hurt him. So crazy to look at him like this as he now sits up in the tub and splashes like a maniac!}

{I love quiet moments like this}

This last photo is not the youngest. He is two weeks old in this picture. This was taken the night before we ended up in Children's Hospital. So it is a bitter sweet photo for me. I love how serene and peaceful we look. But I see the warm blanket on top of him and remember that I thought he felt a little warm and so I took it off of him and thought he would be fine. Everything is 20/20 in hindsight. Anyways. I still love the photo, but I put it last as tomorrow I will be talking a little bit about our time in Children's Hospital. And although it was a very sad time, it is still part of our story and informs so much of who we are today as a family. So get your tissues ready for tomorrow... but don't worry because the next day is his birthday!!!!! And it will be a happy day indeed!